In 1993, I met a woman who I thought would be the one with whom I'd spend the rest of my life. After a time, I found her to be a raving narcissist and, though I loved her family and had no wish to leave the relationship with them, I found myself withdrawing more and more into my own hobbies and interests and leaving the intimate relationship with "she who must have her way" behind. Since my interests were not her interests, at all, and she had little inclination to even pretend to want to do the things I did, I thought "fuck it".....it's my life, too. . . .
She turned 40 and decided to find a personal trainer to help her lose her baby fat, subsequently had an affair with her trainer and then dumped me after seven years. She then spent another two years screwing me around and hinting at a reconciliation and I would offer that this was only because her family loved me so. Sigh. What a waste of time.
Anyway, immediately after the breakup, I freaked out, had endless anxiety attacks, lost 3o pounds in six months and spent most weekends hugging a bottle of Jack Daniels whilst nestling alone on my couch. It was a little bit of my own personal hell on earth.
Fast forward six years or so.......to an amazing four plus years relationship, the purchase of a new home and the discovery of Xanax to ease those anxiety woes! No more overwhelming, debilitating anxiety, BUT, no more weight losses either.
I've rediscovered the 30 pounds I lost in 2000 and have gained about 10 additional. I am now, today, wearing pants that used to be my Fat Pants and I was dishearted to find that they are TIGHT. The Wendy's bacon cheeseburger, fries and Kit Kat bar that I had for dinner last night didn't help.
It must stop. This is insane. I am NOT this person.
